A woman with an eating disorder cannot do this. First, she did not define her identity in late adolescence. Insecure and perhaps even ashamed of her arrested development, she may hide her underdeveloped self, seeking out only superficial interpersonal relations. She may try relationships with various partners, and fail at true intimacy again and again. Or she may pursue a relationship, hoping that her partner will do her "inner work" for her.
"Tell me who I am," she begs her partner. "Am I pretty? Am I smart? What do you like about me? Will you love me forever?" Her partner may try to do her bidding, answering the questions, hoping not to make a mistake. But he will undoubtedly fail because he cannot tell her who she is. At the same time, her constant demands make him feel burdened and overwhelmed.
So this becomes a love story about a woman who is already stalled or stuck in development and a man who is grappling with his own dreams and developmental issues. They bring themselves to the table, as all couples do, and ask, "Your needs or mine? Whose take precedence? How do we decide?"
But there is something else that makes this negotiation impossible: her eating disorder. It has helped her in the past by giving her a purpose. Getting and staying thin is her goal. In focusing on that, she feels in control, full, and safe. Still, the eating disorder has shut a door on explorations of who she can be. If she cannot grow, she cannot evolve with her new partner. She is stuck. And he is forced to fit into the narrow confines of her life.
That depends on the nature of the eating disorder and the couple living with it. Some women bring to the relationship an eating disorder that they acquired as teenagers. Others may simply bring an unformed self - and an eating disorder yet to be realized. Or a woman may come to the partnership partially recovered. I no longer have my symptoms; I am not throwing up. I weigh enough. So what's the problem? The issue is that the eating disorder is kicking in or gaining momentum, and because of its power, it is likely to win out as her primary lover. Her relationship with food starts competing with her relationship with him. And if she feels that she can depend on it more than on him, as is often the case, they move into a perverted triangle: she, he, and it. The eating disorder stands between them, blocking intimacy.
As with any love triangle, she may try to juggle a commitment to her disorder along with a professed commitment to her partner. She may do that for the duration of the relationship, bringing on jealousy, shouting, fights, and silent passive-aggressive warfare.
In the end, she must choose. If she opts for the eating disorder, the relationship will fall apart or subsist for years on a superficial level. But if she opts for him, she has a daunting task: she must let go of the eating disorder. This is the only act that will allow the relationship to breathe, to animate.
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