Just as parents hold up a toddler when she takes her first steps, a family can support a young girl taking her first steps into the world. There is a push-pull to this. Too much help from parents, and the child fails for lack of opportunity. Too little help, and she falters for lack of resources.
Given either too much or too little attention from parents, a teenager will lose confidence as she strikes out to develop her social self. She is at the place in her life where friends' opinions often hold more sway than those of family. At the same time, peers can alienate, frustrate, or torment her. Other relationships may not work like the familiar family dynamics she is used to. Teachers can play favorites, for example. Bosses can fire her on the spot.
She is confused about how to behave in all these new relationships. But wanting to be independent, she stubbornly hides the truth: she is afraid to be out in the world, so she picks fights with her parents or siblings. These confrontations can signal that she is hanging on to her parents while appearing not to. These fights may even help her save face, particularly if conducted in front of her friends.
Constant fighting can also mean that her parents are hanging on too tightly. If she feels that her parents are limiting her options, if she realizes that she is being asked to repeat what her parents have done or to enact their dreams without being allowed to find her own, she will rebel. Conflict can also be a means of asking her parents to let her go.
According to Pipher, girls today are pressured to abandon their families and join their peers at a time when they may need their parents' guidance the most. When girls venture out into the world, often it really is too much for their adolescent psyches to handle.
Culture bombards adolescents with junk images and mixed messages about body and sexuality. Gender rules are ambiguous and changing. The social self wobbles more often today than in decades past, in part because of the whims and pressures of mass media. Parents are caught, sensing that their teenagers need help but also feeling uncertain about how much or what kind of help to give.
To develop her social self, a girl has to learn balance. She has to move from dependence to interdependence with her parents. As she learns this skill at home, she can apply it to her peers and other relationships outside her family.
This does not mean completely cutting off her family. If she detaches before she is truly ready, she will either re-create immature attachments to others she meets or remain attached to her parents in darker ways, through fighting or rebellion. The goal is to take little steps toward interdependence, just as a near-toddler lets go of her mother and walks three steps toward a new support at the coffee table. As her social self strengthens, a girl will be able to take more steps until she has developed a mature social self.
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