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THE OLD ME VS. THE NEW ME: OVERWEIGHT, NO SEX DRIVE, JUST PLAIN TIRED
Everything in the area of sex has been turned upside down for me. Before breast cancer and treatment, I was a healthy, sexually vibrant 44- year-old who really enjoyed sex with her husband. Now, two years later, I am 15 pounds overweight, I have almost continuous hot flashes, and I have little to no desire for sex. I feel as though my husband wishes that he could have the "old me" back because his passion for me is totally gone. This has been almost harder for me to deal with than the actual breast cancer because it has taken such a toll on our marriage. I feel as though my body has aged 20 years in a short period of time, and that I am trapped inside!
Lizzie Lou
Sometimes I think my only problem in life was being born female. Truly though, I think the only reason I have any concern over my body image (weight, scarring, etc.) is because I want to give my hubby the best. The problem is that I have not yet accepted the current version of me as the final definition of my best. Hmmm. Okay, guess I just turned on my own light bulb. I'm gonna get up off my chubby tush and do something about it. I don't have to be a movie-star model, but I really think I can get a little healthier looking than what I'm seeing in the mirror.
Delivered
FEELING DESIRABLE
This experience has been tough for me. I hope as time passes I will feel better about myself. My husband of 13 years has been so supportive and caring. He loves all of me. While that is such a tremendous relief, I am the one with the problem. Right now I'm bald, have 2 incisions across my chest, and have gained 20 pounds. I'm not feeling very pretty or desirable. I'm still very emotional about all this and it just makes me cry. Intimacy is so important and I f ind myself pulling away more because of my own stupid low selfimage. Beth's still smiling
"I want to be close. I want to be loved. But I don't really want to have sex. I wish I felt as good about me as my husband does."
Delivered
It was very important to me to resume intimacy with my husband as soon as possible after the surgery; I had to know that I was still appealing to him. I think all of this lopsidedness and scars matter a lot more to me than it does to him.
Nett
I feel that so much has happened to me over the past two years, and my husband has had to do soooo much for me (nursing, cleaning, etc.) I couldn't possibly be lovable. He's seen me at my absolute worst! But I've had to do similar things for my son and grandson as well as my husband and I certainly love them. They are lovable, so why shouldn't I be lovable too? I still have a need for intimacy, but I no longer initiate it. I guess I'm afraid of rejection. I sometimes feel that I'm contaminated. This disease and treatment has really done a number on me. I don't know what to do or how to think most of the time.
Blessed
I had never worried about being lovable until I had my daughter. It took a long time for my husband to perceive me as a lover and sexy again after she came along (c-section and then I nursed her for a year). When I found my lump I worried that my husband would never be able to reconcile the changes that I knew I needed to make physically in order to give myself the best possible outcome. And I was right. It has been five years, and he still has a hard time touching me, touching my reconstructed breasts, or even thinking of me in sexual ways. We didn't have sex at all for 13 months after my surgery. We now have relations, somewhat regularly, but the passion, or what there ever was of it, is gone.
Suffice it to say that I was a hottie sexually when I met my husband, and we were doing okay after the baby. But not since I got sick. Some of it is that I don't feel sexy at all anymore. Not because of the way my husband feels, or because I've gained weight, but because I don't really like the way I look. My husband and I are very committed to our relationship and staying together. I just hope that in time we can find a way to help ourselves find comfort in each other that can translate into physical desire and love.
abrenner
I am a rather tall, thin woman who never had breasts that would be considered large in any way, shape or form. My husband never complained, so I didn't worry! Anyway, on to my feelings about being lovable after surgery: No! A thousand times no! I didn't feel lovable at all and did not want my husband to see me during intimate times. Although he had helped me shower when the drains were still in and done all sorts of caretaking measures, I did not want him to have to experience me as I was when we were being close. Oh God, I felt so bad then. Perhaps that had something to do with our separation. Who knows? We still found ways to satisfy one another but it was never the same for me and, I suppose, never the same for him either.
Intimacy changed so drastically then. I wanted to be held and caressed and fondled. He wanted sex! We never spoke of the changes and by the time I realized that we should be speaking of them, it was too late. He had opted me out of his life.
After over two years since the separation, I feel more secure about my body now. But I don't think that I could ever be close to anyone again. I would pull away in fear of a re-hash of my marriage breakup. Not worthy, etc. This part of my life was and is a mess. Yikes! Just talking about it here makes me see that I have a definite problem.
Ladyblue930
I was never confident of my femininity or sexuality, even during my 23-year marriage. Now, at a time when my sons are grown and I would like to find a loving relationship, I feel very poorly equipped to attract a man. I never gave it much importance before, and now find myself wondering how to balance the reality of my situation against my beliefs that it shouldn't count.
Isurrender