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YOUR BODY IMAGE THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE IN-BETWEEN
Perhaps it's because I'm in a committed relationship with someone who knew me before breast cancer and its resulting scars that I am not afraid of intimacy. Sure, there was initially some concern that the physical reality might somehow become a barrier, that my body would get in the way of my essence and I would be less desirable, but that's not happened. In the years since my breast cancer my partner has had prostate breast cancer and gall bladder surgeries of his own so it's not like either one of us is unscarred. That caused us to become more creative in our sexual intimacy. We both find that scarred bodies are somehow more real, tested, and certain.
Susan
I haven't been in a sexual relationship for about 10 years. (Wow! That seems really long after seeing it in print!) The last relationship ended at my insistence because I was feeling used and had realized that there was no real future for us. With my history of childhood sexual abuse, I always had trouble setting boundaries where sex was concerned, and had ended up in a bad marriage and a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. In spite of the childhood abuse, I've always enjoyed sex. However, I decided there would be no more sex until I was married again. Since I also have problems with intimacy (with anyone) at times, that hasn't happened. Sometimes I really miss that. Sometimes I'm very grateful that the desire has decreased (for quite a while it was nonexistent). Mostly I have a "wait and see" attitude: if it happens, fantastic, if not, that's okay.
HopeNFaith
I've had problems since my double mastectomy and reconstruction followed by chemo and radiation (21⁄2 years ago at age 53). My husband of 35 years is soooo patient, but I'm easily frustrated because my body won't work like it used to. The chemo caused "chemopause." I can't see myself as physically desirable because of these fake, do-nothing boobs. I know my "bad thinking" isn't helping. Just can't get my head on straight. I sometimes cry quietly when we finish with sex because it used to be more than wonderful, and now it's . . . not. In addition to the boob problem, my gynecologist explained sex is very painful for me because the lack of hormones have caused what was the hymen tissues to shrink and lose elasticity making penetration extremely painful and impossible. In a normal menopause the hormones change gradually over a longer time frame, but mine changed in just a few weeks. So in the sex department I feel like I'm missing a lot. I'm working on a better attitude, if not a more satisfied sex life.
Bach
I chose tram-f lap reconstruction, so have only tactile feeling in my breasts and reduced feeling in my abdomen area. Although the mastectomies were complete, there was no need for radiation or chemo, and after much discussion with my doctors, I began taking hormone replacement again. Without HRT, I had dryness and basically no interest in sex whatsoever. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was in a relationship. He was terrif ic during my surgeries, but did not want me to have reconstruction. However, I was determined to have the reconstruction for me, so I would not marry him until after that surgery.
I gave him plenty of opportunity to change his mind if this was all too much for him. He didn't. I had the reconstruction in May and we got married in July. He was overly cautious for a long time, but f inally I think we are back on the right track, sexually. Even though I don't have feeling in my breasts, I know when they are being touched, at least in a general way. I thought sexual feelings were mostly mental, but when I was not taking HRT, I really didn't have any interest. I like those hormones.
Al
I also think that part of me doesn't want to think about sex or starting a new relationship because then I would have to deal with the issue of what will any guy think of me with only one "real" boob and one reconstructed boob. It is hard for me to open myself up to others and the possibility of rejection.
suzie
I have one real and one no-boob, having elected not to reconstruct. Then I kicked out my husband and now wonder if a man would find me "acceptable." I have been reassured by a friend that they are out there as she met her husband after a complete (not partial) mastectomy. Libido is gone, but I figure we're alive, wonderful, and eventually will find our ways back to passion.
Juneboomer