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THE DATING GAME: SINGLE AND DATING
Tick-tock, tick-tock: is there a so-called right time to tell someone you're dating that you've had breast cancer?
I know that casual sex will never be an option for me.
reginabu
I am single and have not been with any man since I had my bilateral mastectomy. I don't intend to tell a man on the first date that I've been "rebuilt." When do you think it's the right time to tell him? Obviously if I sense it bothers him, he's not the right man for me. If the relationship proceeds to intimacy, I am petrified about him seeing me and about my lack of sensation. I can't believe I'll be much of an intimate partner.
Flamingo
Flamingo, I think when you allow the right person to come into your personal space then and only then will you feel it's the right time; I don't know that that's something that another person could tell you. And you are right about our bodies being rebuilt. I also have not been with anyone since my diagnosis and even before that I was practicing celibacy for about three years. I would love to find myself in a relationship someday soon but I've been so tied up with my breast cancer thing (smile) and trying to keep myself in a good peaceful frame of mind that I guess I haven't been thinking about it much. I think more men should join these types of forums so that they can be more in tune to what women are really thinking and feeling. Do you think that would help them understand us more?
river
I was wondering if anyone else had the problem of when to tell a guy that you are a breast cancer survivor?? I used to tell them right away to get it out of the way since it was always on my mind anyway. I figured it out that it was too soon and it was scaring the guys off! So now I don't know exactly what to do. I feel like being a breast cancer survivor defines me so much that I need to share that info, but I don't want to share that info too soon. I have a scar from a lumpectomy so I need to probably tell before any sexual contact happens. I don't know; I am confused about what to do now. Not that I have a whole lot of dates anyway, but it happens once in a while!
Suzette
ScaredSilly is indeed scared to tell a man she has breast cancer;
RC is just the opposite
I worry about telling a new man that I have breast cancer. I do not want to see the look on his face at that time. I am 55 and most people at this age are looking forward to enjoying retirement and don't want to be burdened with a sick person. My latest interest just finished caring for a wife of 29 years who had MS. He made the remark that he is looking forward to having his life back. How do I tell him I've had Stage III breast cancer and 20 lymph nodes removed. If the situation was reversed I think I would opt out.
ScaredSilly
I had been casually dating a fellow, about every 3 weeks or so, for about 4 months before I was diagnosed. My children were not home one Sunday AM, so I called and asked him to come by for coffee. This was difficult for him because he is not very good at impromptu. I ended up saying "it is not a big deal, just a few moments for coffee." He came by before I could even serve the coffee. I let him know I had breast cancer so I would be busy for a while. He didn't quite understand. I ended up saying, "Look, I am going to be bald!" He just said "Oh, I loved that movie with Sigourney Weaver when she was bald." I thought he was just out of his mind! Anyway, we still date (31⁄2 years later). I would have never imagined.
My lesson in that is there truly are non-judgmental people. It has also taught me not to accept anything less. We did not start a sexual relationship until I was bald. That was very comforting during that time. I think it really helped my self-esteem. I look back and am grateful to have had that. We started seeing each other once a week after I had told him and he would always come by the evening I had chemo and just lay with me. Both of us are fiercely independent, so neither would be "burdened" concerning my health issues. That is not how our relationship is structured.
ScaredSilly, do not be afraid; take the chance if it arises. If things don't go well consider yourself "saved from an asshole" and move on!
RC
I told my new beau about the breast cancer last night. He was very good about it and made a remark that made me think he did not see this as a deal breaker. I think he likes me. He called this morning to ask how I was feeling and wanted to make sure I hadn't gotten too tired out. I don't want everything to be about my breast cancer, however. I think with enough conversations we can get to a good place.
ScaredSilly
Being single is hard. You wonder if anyone can or will love you someday. Knowing that you are sick, you wonder what they will think if and when they see your body as it is now. Can they get past it and have sex not looking or thinking about the scars? At least there is one consolation: if a man does fall in love with you, you know it is for who you are! Still it scares me: will I ever love and be loved?
SacredHeart
After the end of treatment, I just by chance met someone who was interested in me, not knowing what I had been through. I was still wearing a wig and absolutely terrified to go on a date, wondering how I could possibly tell him all this and imagining him running screaming out the door. I thought I would just go on one date to get out a bit. But then he wanted to see me again. What's a girl to do?? It was actually quite comical, because the first time he tried to kiss me, I had to stop him and get through the entire story the breast cancer, the wig (couldn't let the wig fall off on the first kiss!!). And he was so wonderful about it, and actually encouraged me to take off the wig. I think by the time I got around to the breast cancer part, he was just so relieved I wasn't giving him the boot. I never expected to have someone help me through that most difficult time and make me feel desirable. That was a true gift. And while he's no longer around, I will always be thankful for what he did for me.
Even though the scars are healed now, I still find it difficult at the start of a relationship to figure out when to talk about my illness. I have the fear, not of my sexuality or desirability, but that the other person won't want to be with me long-term because of the implications of my illness. If anything, the experience of breast cancer has made my physical experiences deeper and more meaningful, but my fears greater.