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A minefield of complex feelings
I have learned to enjoy what I can. It has made my husband feel "what's the use?" since he knows that he can't give me full satisfaction. He has considered having an affair, which I knew was coming. And he hasn't. Talking it out, not just once, but many times, has helped keep our marriage together. jennagram "I have always believed that your brain is your biggest sex organ."
jensen
I feel like sexual intimacy has become a minefield of complex feelings for me. I was originally diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer 5 years ago and had a Stage IV recurrence 1 year ago. Whenever my health was bad, sex and intimacy would make me cry, then my husband would cry too. This was not my idea of fun sex, but I couldn't help it. We have been together for 24 years and have grown closer and worked through the emotions, but intimacy seems to bring all of the fears to the surface for me.
BandMom46
I am 44 and was very active sexually with my husband before breast cancer 3 years ago. I think at first it was a little fear, then it was lack of desire.
Now I'm not sure what it is. The physical part just isn't there often. I wonder if it is partly the tamoxifen. It also is my husband he doesn't approach me as much either.
tinkr59bell
My marriage (28 years) has not been the best. Many times over the years I have contemplated divorce. A lot of the time my husband was inattentive, rude, and sometimes even cruel. Optimistic me just kept thinking it would get better. When my son died, almost nine years ago, I fell apart. I just didn't care anymore. I tried, but could not let go of my mourning. When I finally over five years later began coming out of my funk, my husband and I began growing closer. For the next two years it was as if we were getting to know each other again. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am proud to say he has not left my side for any test or appointment. He used to not speak to me for days if I cried. Now he holds me and when appropriate makes jokes to get me laughing.
I share all this with you because now I will tell you that I, too, have no sexual drive. When my husband would enter me it would hurt so badly that sometimes I would cry. And when he ejaculated it felt like liquid fire. But I still so wanted the intimacy the touching of naked bodies, the kissing and exploring. Believe it or not, he came up with the answer. We use rubbers! And Astroglide! And you can't imagine how much better it is. Once we get past the entry, it's okay. I always try and make the slipping on of the condom very special. Role play, ladies. Make it special in new ways that fit what you have to work with. Sometimes it is so very difficult, but together we are trying to make the very best of what we have and I am just so very thankful. I have never felt so loved or special.
San
I come from a very conservative background and always got dressed in the closet so my husband would not see me naked. Every morning for years he would try to peek in and catch me in various stages of undress it was fun, it was silly, it was sexy. After my bilateral mastectomy he stopped looking. I was crushed; I felt like damaged goods. It was not until we were at the brink of divorce and seeing a marriage counselor that I learned that he stopped our silly little ritual because he thought it would make me feel bad if he continued to try to see me naked after my breasts were gone. He was trying to protect my feelings and I misunderstood his action and didn't ask. We are still struggling.
SandyF
Marriage and intimacy: "to have and to hold" I am 55 and I tell you this because it is possible my age has something to do with my attitude. Twelve years ago I had a complete hysterectomy so that was when I first encountered lack of lubrication and elasticity. I was already having difficulty with intercourse before my surgery. And since the surgery my desire for intercourse has dropped to zero. However, I am very lucky that the lack of sex has not caused any strain in my marriage. My husband and I have been through so many other losses and sex is such a small issue in comparison. My dear husband keeps telling me that having me alive and by his side is more important than sex. We are still very intimate. We kiss and touch, snuggle on the sofa, enjoy spending time together, and love each other more every day. However we do wish that sex wasn't so much work when we do decide to go for it.
clk913
We've been married for 33 years and my husband has stood by me through lots of stuff, including this breast cancer mess. He never had any issues with my lopsidedness; it's been hard for him this second time around with the Stage IV breast cancer. We're both 65 and the meds that I have been on (aromatase inhibitors) have reduced my libido to zip. But I still want to be intimate with him. We both still love cuddling and we do that every night before we fall asleep. He has taught me that it is not the sex that counts so much as the tenderness and expression of loving feelings. And the worst fear I have with the breast cancer is dying before he does and thinking of how lonely he will be. I have to stop thinking that way, though. One day at a time, right?
Annie Mac
We never referred to it as sex; it was always making love and part of making love is the holding and caressing and the closeness we get from being with that other person. So now making love is not the actual intercourse but everything that leads up to it and everything after, including falling asleep and waking each morning with that person. So actually my sex drive was never parked because he was always there to hold me and kiss me and comfort me and if it led to more then that was great; if not it was just as great because we always had each other and we still do. If anything, breast cancer has brought us closer without having to have intercourse.
lilybelle2
After my mastectomy, I would ask my husband if it [sex] was really awful and did it change how he felt about me, etc. His response: "Actually, it's kind of exotic." He's not one to mince words or say things to be nice, so this was genuine. Going through breast cancer brought us much closer together. Without his support and continued support, I don't know what I would have done.
Annie
I am also fortunate in that my husband has been attentive and loving and supportive. We've had our share of difficulties, though, when it comes to sexual intimacy.
I have found that I just don't seem to have much sex drive or desire. It used to be that if we didn't make love pretty regularly, I would have erotic dreams and even have orgasms as a result. But that has only happened once or twice in the past 6 months. It takes longer for me to get aroused. And I haven't had an orgasm like I used to. Unfortunately, having no breasts is harder for me than my husband when it comes to sexual intimacy. Stimulation of my breasts and nipples was nice for him but incredibly arousing for me and almost always led to powerful orgasms. We have been unable to find a "substitute" for that sensation.
My husband is very reassuring and loving; both his words and actions let me know that he still thinks I'm sexy. But I don't feel sexy, and sometimes I feel really ugly. We talk and hold each other close, and I know he will be patient as we work through this, but sometimes I get so angry because our sex life was terrific and it isn't anymore. I don't know if it will be again. We both sleep in the nude, but when we make love I wear a camisole or a T-shirt. I'm not ready for my breastless-ness to be "right there" when we make love.
kamaha